Booble to Britney: $1 Million For Your Sex Tape!
According to a recent report in US Weekly, we’re all about to be graced with an unauthorized sex video of Britney Spears and her hubby, the former “Britney” dancer Kevin Federline.
If the video is released (which remains an “if” at this point), the longest telegraphed exploitation of one of America’s dearest cutsie-pie, teeny-bop, former-Mickey-Mouse-Club, girl-next-door (”I’m still a virgin”) pop divas will reach its final chapter, and we here at Booble can’t wait.
From wearing the “ears” to putting her ankles behind her ears, Britney is continuing a now well-established tradition in American entertainment of “pop-star loses track of home sex video — news at 11.” From Rob Lowe (who can forget Gary Hart yelling “cut?”), to Tommy Lee and Pamela, to Paris Hilton, and now Britney, her descent into quasi-porn is long over due, given all of the barely-clothed teasing she’s done over the years.
Watching Britney go from cute little Mouseketeer to virginal pop singer to not-so-virginal pop singer to, hopefully, porn-star reminds me of another former Mouseketeer turned Hollywood masturbatory fantasy who took a decidedly different path in life: Lisa Whelchel. Who? You know, “Blair” on that absurdly iconic 80s sit-com “The Facts of Life.” Blair was the hot, snobby, WASPy blonde bombshell who was the constant sexual target of every male cameo on the series. A few years ago I sat next to Blair (Lisa) at a Luau on Waikiki Beach. It was one of those “spouses-welcome” conferences for meetings planners and she and I had something in common: we were both “guest spouses.” That’s where our similarities ended. We made some small talk about the food and the conference and, of course, “Facts of Life.” She introduced me to her husband (Steve), who seemed quite nice. All I could think of was how nice it would be to see Lisa naked. I decided based on her eyebrow color that her natural blonde days were long gone and she was definitely sporting a dark bush, which was rarely trimmed. Somehow you just know these things (call it pube-dar). And, for some odd reason, she and her husband ran away from me as quickly as possible to “take a walk on the beach.”
I later learned that Lisa decided to get out of show biz exactly at her prime (with two years left on her contract with “Facts”). I can’t say for sure, but I think a lightbulb must have gone off in that lil ol’ blonde head of hers that told her she had to make a choice: either become a public whore with the obligatory T&A scenes and sleep-with-the-leading man come-ons (and, who knows, possibly a misplaced home sex video) or REJECT SATAN!!!!! It was “either/or” for her and she chose the latter, which fairly well ended her career in Hollywood. Now the only guy who gets to see her snatch is Steve (”Hi Steve, pleased to meet you,” I said lamely). She now spends her days writing books about how to raise kids (she recommends “hot-saucing” — pouring tabasco into their mouths — and spankings as appropriate disciplinary actions).
Britney, on the other hand, has been doing a slow tango with the devil ever since she doffed those ears and began exchanging sex appeal for cash. Every furry-chested, gold-chain-wearing promoter in the country has had a piece of her since then and hopefully we’ll all get in on the action. We here at Booble want to make an offer to Britney (or the disgruntled insider): $1 million dollars for the exclusive rights to the video. Cash on the nail-head. Just contact our webmaster and he’ll handle all the details.
